This is a blog from about 6 months ago, in the run-up to Christmas. Affairs of the heart are never more than two seconds away from my mind, and it was with such preoccupations that I wrote this, on my private Facebook blog (why they insist on calling them notes, I don't know - they're blogs!
Festives, is it? Bloody hell, it seems so long ago since the last Christmas, when I was moving out of my last house and camping* with my parents until April, when I moved into the house I'm in now. It's felt like a year and a half, quite frankly. A year and a half in which I've had my feelings choked, made myself become me again, grown new feelings and completely failed to know what to do with them. The oft-repeated phrase it's that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. A stand-up comedian would follow this with a laughter-collected "Bollocks!" but he or she would be wrong to do so, because to become besotted with someone just lets you know you still have a pulse, and that people who can make you feel that way do still exist, which is a good thing.
Which is why I'm typing. Typing, typing, typing, like a giant hand made of fingers. There isn't a guidebook, is there? There isn't a cast-iron document which says that, should you notice that you are attracted to someone, this is how you must approach the situation. And nor should there be such a document - diversity being what it is, it's no wonder that different people should approach the situation differently. But, on the other hand, there are some people who just need a helping hand so that they don't cock it all up before they've even started.
Take me, for example. I am what you might call a head-in-the-clouds romantic. I am very much led by my feelings, but sort of half clam-up when trying to communicate this, which means that should I encounter someone who I like, my head instantly fills up with a thousand nice things to say, and they all seem to race to my mouth, resulting in a dead heat that finishes with a strangled "Erm... hi, would.. er, it? Sorry, I meant to say..." by which time the moment's passed and I can be left alone to beat myself up with a chair as punishment.
Has this ever happened to you? I have lost count of the amount of times I have been left standing in a room, suddenly remembering all the things I meant to say, and all the things that would have been much, much better to say than "Buh...Tchk... yeah!" It's sad that it makes you look like a stuttering weirdo when this happens, and it's a tragedy when the reality of it is: you're just trying to say the nicest thing you could ever say to someone: "I like you enough to want to get to know you better and spend more time with you. Would that be okay with you?"**
I can't help wondering how many men have similar issues, people who fall for someone and completely lose the use of limbs, digestion and/or speech. From what I've seen, there are a lot of blokes who will resort to bellowing, making lewd suggestions (while bellowing), honking car-horns and bellowing, or carring a hip-flask of rohypnol.*** I have no interest in any of these "techniques", and would just like to rely on good old-fashioned niceness. I suppose the question is: When in the same room as a girl you like, how do you make a good impression and get your insides to not tense up like a watch-spring when about to deliver a compliment or ask for a date?
It's easy (well, easy after about a fortnight of reflection) - relax. The only way someone worth having will want to look at you is if you're as comfortable with yourself as possible (without being cocky and vain), and if you don't pester, simper or constantly bellow your opinions. Oh, and if you're genuine. Be you. Keep breathing and don't succumb to that ever-present urge to shout "I LIKE YOU! WE COULD BE THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONE ANOTHER!" - these sort of revelations are best kept to the 2nd date stage, if you get there (and they work better when not bellowed).
So, for those of you who have butterflies whenever you see that special someone - be nice to them, don't panic and let events run their course - if you're going to be together, it'll happen when it's ready. If you're not, be glad that someone exists in the world who is beautiful enough to alter the way you feel. These people are special and it's good to know that they are there. In the meantime, occupy yourself with a hobby - write love songs, draw, make a replica of the QEII out of matchsticks, see people as often as you can, do whatever you need to do to get yourself through those long, dark tea-times of the soul.
As for me? My heart and I shall continue to try and run each other ragged as Christmas starts. Now that my shopping has (for the most part) been achieved, I can at least stay calm in that department. Ready for the next year and a half? Of course!
Have a good Christmas, and stay merry.
*As in staying at the house of my parents, not becoming camper than Dale Winton.
**Although if you're saying this while holding a selection of her underwear in one hand, and an axe in the other, see a doctor or the police or both. Now. Don't even get to the end of this sentence, just go!
***I actually have never seen this, it was written purely for japery
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